What is a “fit” in spiritual direction?
Often when one is first exploring spiritual direction, we talk about the importance of finding a “fit” with a spiritual director. What do we mean by this? How do you know you’ve found “the one“? And what happens if you choose a spiritual director who isn’t the right fit for you?
In reality, there’s no science to finding the right director for you. What’s important to take away from this idea may simply be that you don’t need to commit to the first one you’re referred to. Even if you don’t know what exactly a fit would look like, if something feels like it’s not a fit, that’s OK. It’s not necessarily a you problem or a them problem. You can keep looking.
That said, I typically offer a few different points for consideration as one begins to have informal intro meetings with potential spiritual directors.
1. Look for compatibility.
Compatibility or incompatibility can show up at various levels. At the surface, a spiritual director’s availability and meeting options (in-person or online) may or may not work for you. In some instances, you may also have a strong desire to meet with a director of the same gender, minority background, etc. Or you may find tension or resonance with the theological tradition they practice out of.
Another consideration for compatibility is really who the spiritual director is as a spiritual director. Not everyone enters spiritual direction with a clear idea of what they’re looking for from spiritual direction—but you may have a sense of what’s helpful for you. Different spiritual directors will exhibit styles, favor different approaches, and work from different strengths and giftings. You may feel one director is more conversational whereas you need more spaces of quiet listening—or that another director gives great insight but what you’re really looking for are more questions to guide you in reflection.
Some misalignments can be addressed, and some might just be a matter of incompatibility.
2. Look for chemistry.
There have been numerous people in my life whom I like and respect and would have been glad to be friends with—but for whatever reason, we don’t get each other’s meanings, the jokes are mistimed, and conversation even about common interests never gets traction. I don’t know how to account for this except with a word like “chemistry.”
In a similar way, you could have a conversation with a spiritual director who’s perfectly compatible on paper, is excellently qualified and even fits the direction style you desire—yet the conversation never “clicks” and something just feels effortful. That’s not to say we’re looking for electricity and sparks, but when some level of connection just isn’t there, you know it.
Again, it’s OK to recognize this and try out some conversations with a couple other directors.
3. Look for comfort.
Of course, it’s not a spiritual director’s job to make us feel comfortable, but we’ll want them to be a comforting presence. Often they’ll be accompanying us through (and sometimes we’ll feel they’re responsible for) some of the most uncomfortable God conversations in the hardest seasons in our life. But that’s exactly why being able to feel comfortable with our spiritual director at a completely neutral moment is so vital.
If we can’t open up to someone about our interior lives and prayer habits in a casual confidential conversation, how will it be to bear our hearts—our doubts, fears and struggles—in more vulnerable hours and more shadowy seasons? It’s imperative for the work of spiritual direction that we be able to trust our spiritual directors, and that trust is impossible without a basic feeling of safety and acceptance.
Is this person safe? Often, we need to simply trust our instincts. If something feels “off,” it may be because something is, even if we can’t put our finger on it. That doesn’t mean we definitely conclude the person is a closet heretic or a creep, but it’s so vitally important that we be able to feel safe that having any sense of uneasiness about someone’s trustworthiness can truly undermine the sacred space of spiritual direction.
Conclusion: Look, but look inward.
In my experience, most people find a good enough “fit” with the first spiritual director they meet. In other cases, it may take conversations with two or three different directors. You should feel free to take the time you need to explore this; however, any quest for the perfect spiritual director is unlikely to end with success.
Give yourself the grace to keep looking if you feel even a little hesitant about someone—allowing that you can always circle back—but if after meeting with several spiritual directors you still feel no chemistry or comfort, it may be time to reflect inwardly about this. What are the positive indicators you’re looking for, and could they possibly be too narrowly defined? Could there be some resistance at play? Any parts of me that would be grateful for an excuse not to start meeting seriously with a spiritual director?
Finally, we can fruitfully bring this inward reflection outward by just talking through these concerns with a “good enough” spiritual director. They may be able to clear up any sense of misalignment or modify the presence they project in order to make the space they offer more helpful to you. If that seeming mismatch just isn’t something they’re able to help resolve for you in the end, they may still have a great referral for you based on your needs and what you’re looking for.