4 styles of spiritual directors.
What is a spiritual director like? What kind of person are they? What’s it like to talk to one?
If you’ve never met a spiritual director, you might not know what to expect, which might make such a personal conversation hard to imagine.
Those who have known a few spiritual directors may have a certain caricature in mind. Yet among spiritual directors, you’ll actually find diverse charisms (spiritual giftings) that express their unique identity as a spiritual director differently. In other words, one spiritual director may provide you a very different experience and flavor of spiritual direction from another.
‘One manifests a charism for insight, discernment, and clear articulation. Another exudes a sense of compassion and nurturing care. Another manifests a quality of simplicity and vulnerability. Still another has a provocative style that speaks truth forthrightly and with love.’
—James Neafsey
Of course, just as there isn’t one type of spiritual director, there aren’t really four types either. Instead, what follows are four pictures of spiritual direction could look like, and your spiritual director may take on any one or more of these.
1. The mail-reader.
Before I was introduced to the first spiritual director I ever met, I was warned: “This guy’s going to read your mail.” I braced myself. It was the first time I’d heard the expression, but I could guess it’s meaning, and whether it was his natural demeanor or the suggestive influence, I felt absolutely penetrated by his gentle gaze from the moment we shook hands. He didn’t speak my thoughts back to me; I’m not sure that he formed a total impression of me; but I could tell that he saw me very clearly, and it was evident in the few words he spoke.
Some spiritual directors are keen observers combined with a finely tuned gift of discernment (literally, to sift or separate), which can give them phenomenal insight. Mail-readers don’t need many words in direction, because they’ve often discerned the ones that perform microsurgery with a small incision. They may put their finger right on the biggest little question: “How long have you felt abandoned by God?” or intuit where just the lightest touch will set a boulder moving: “I see your love for God right now.” Enneagram 5s may appear to be textbook mail-reader spiritual directors, but they by no means have a monopoly on those charisms.
The power and sharpness of their insight, however, means that they also need to balance their dominant charisms with compassion and patience so that their directee can journey at the pace she needs. The Mail-Reader’s challenge may also be to trust the process, even when they see where the Spirit is pointing long before the directee is ready to get there.
2. The midwife.
Midwifery is a classic metaphor for spiritual direction because it illustrates the director’s largely supportive role in a natural, almost organic process. Some spiritual directors exhibit this so thoroughly that they distinguish themselves. While no less discerning and insightful than the Mail-Reader, Midwives may express these charisms more in encouragements and compassionate reflective statements. Midwives work to create a palpable environment of care and support that allows that natural work of spiritual formation to work out under the Spirit’s free direction.
This itself can look different at different times. It may mean that they say even less the Mail-Reader, compassionately listening as the directee verbally processes their way or letting shared silence in do the heavy-lifting. It may mean that they speak quite often, offering comfort and affirmation. Enneagram 2s and 9s can make natural Midwife spiritual directors, if we’re to generalize.
What to watch from a Midwife, though not uncommon to other styles as well, is the impulse to “rescue.” A Midwife’s deeply felt compassion for their directee helps make them fantastic directors but can also make it difficult for them to sit with you while you’re suffering and not make you feel better. Making you feel better isn’t a spiritual director’s job; neither is it to “fix.” Your journey will have dry, difficult, even dark times, and truly the best thing your director can do is to be with you and hold your hand as we watch God give birth to something beautiful in you.
3. The anam cara.
Deriving from Gaelic, anam cara refers to a “soul friend.” Like the Midwife, the Anam Cara majors in compassionate companionship. What might distinguish them is their own open-heartedness, their personal hospitality and vulnerability. An Anam Cara spiritual director might feel somehow more mutual, more like a friendship, even when the focus remains solidly and appropriately on you as the directee.
If I imagine an Anam Cara spiritual director, an enneagram 9 springs to mind.
The possible pitfall for an Anam Cara style is if the relationship becomes too familiar, too casual or too mutual. Friendship with your spiritual director, whether as a prior relationship or developed over time, can be perfectly fine—but within the space of your sessions, we want to hold the focus on you and God rather than the dynamic between you and the director. Anam Cara directors should also watch for overuse of self-disclosure or personal stories. Their friendship is at its best when they manifest their vulnerability and openness by listening well.
4. The direct-or.
Not all spiritual directors are gentle traveling companions. Neither do all directees benefit from that. Instead, some spiritual directors (emphasis on director) have a knack for actively leading another where God is leading them and have a skill for loving confrontation when needed. These directors may challenge their directees more, may teach more directively and may perform more coaching than is typical. Mature Enneagram 8s and those with an 8 wing may tend toward this style.
All of this, however, ought to come not only from relevant life experience but also from a deep knowledge of their directee and an intimate connection with the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, Direct-ors are in danger of operating from their strong natural instincts rather than following the leading of the Spirit in their directee’s unique life, invitations and vocations. At worst, they may give harmful instruction that’s taken with spiritual authority. Or, they may end up simply performing a helpful ministry like pastoral counseling or coaching, rather than spiritual direction.
What’s the right spiritual director for you?
A skilled and experienced spiritual director will often adapt their style to the directee and the season they’re in. Any spiritual director might take on more of a Midwife approach to companion you through a “dark night” experience or a Direct-or role if you’re spiraling. But you may notice a dominant or default approach just from the first meeting or two.
Each style of spiritual direction has strengths and potential hazards, which simply means you should make sure your director is trained, practices either under supervision or in community, and doesn’t trigger any red flags for you. Unless you have some arrangement particular to your community or religious order, a spiritual director doesn’t have any spiritual authority over you; bring anything from them into prayerful discernment, and discern it with them and others. Note that every type of spiritual director should exhibit:
Compassion
Discernment
Humility
What you may want to look for is how the charism of spiritual direction expresses the person who practices it. Neafsey also defines a charism as, “The dynamic expression of one’s unique spiritual identity in relationship to others.” So while you may have a preference of styles, it ultimately comes down to the relationship between you and another person.
Pay attention to the fit, to what seems good to you and the Holy Spirit, and be prepared that gifted spiritual direction may look many different ways.